(no subject)

you were nothing like i imagined; you're cynical and cranky and impossible. but the truth is, fighting with you is the best thing that's ever happened to me and i think there's a very good chance i am falling in love with you.

this journal is a mix of public&friends only entries.
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(no subject)

tell me a secret. tell me a story. tell me a lie, or something true. tell me how you feel about me. tell me something you have always wanted to say but just couldn't. tell me anything.
you can be anonymous. or you don't have to be. the choice is yours.

(no subject)

ive been realizing a lot lately. i was miserable for a few weeks. that's expected, right? but slowly the pain, the "i miss her" screaming in my head over and over, day after day, became a dull roar. more of a, "hey, we've dated for over a year and i am so used to spending every second of my life talking to you or being with you or talking ABOUT you or thinking of you or something." i realized how much of my life i put on hold for her. i realized how much of myself i sacrificed for her. i also realized (or more, was forced to realize) that she and amber are practically one in the same. realizing that has left me questioning myself practically every second, wondering how i could have been so stupid. i swore that amber was different every time she left and came back. when i met jax i swore she was different, just what i needed. she was neither. i made the same excuses for her that i made for amber. i sacrificed the same things. i became the same pathetic person. they are the same and i obviously have a thing for assholes.

i'm not saying jax was a waste of time. i mean, i have said it. i've said plenty of stupid and immature and petty things over the past month or so. i don't mean the majority of these things but i can't help the fact that it feels good to say them. she hurt me so much but once again, i LET her. i dismissed the advice of the people who care for me because i was so set on being in love with her. and i WAS in love with her. i'm not going to deny it like i did with amber; i can't pretend that it wasn't real for me. it was. it was so incredibly real for me and i meant everything i said to her, planned to carry out every promise i made. but here's the thing: i don't love her anymore. not only am i not in love with her, i simply don't LOVE her. at all. i have no respect for her and i've also come to realize that she is a very miserable person.

i am pretty happy.

i mean, this whole not loving her/being over it thing is recent. as in, the past threeish days recent. before that it was tough. i couldn't decide how i felt. some days i thought i was so in love with her and surely i would wait forever. other days i swore i hated her and never wanted to see her again. the majority of the time it was the former. eventually it became more of the latter.

then i made the mistake of seeing her. confiding in her (long story short: amber had been hardcore flirting with me for a few weeks. i didn't know how to react or what to do. i told jax. jax told amber. amber made it seem like i lied, like i had been throwing myself at her, etc. made me seem like the bad guy. manipulated her way out of that situation the way she always does). so yeah, now she thinks i'm a two faced bitch. in fact she left me a voicemail about how much she is ashamed to even know me.

and as much as that hurt, and as much as i wanted to die right then and there when i heard it, it did something else too. it freed me of her. totally and completely. after hearing it, i didn't love her. i didn't miss her. i didn't want her. i didn't hate her, either. she was just there. there and cruel, but just there for the most part.

i guess i'm kind of upset at myself for letting myself fall for the same kind of person amber was, especially after i swore up and down that i was stronger and would never let anyone put me through that again. i think jax was better at hiding it. at least for a while. and when i met her i was already so broken and vulnerable, i would have done anything to keep her around. i let it go on for too long. i wish i hadn't gotten back together with her in february but everything happens for a reason. i've learned a lot from this. i have respect for myself that i never had before. it's almost like all of the respect i lost for her, i gained for me.

it does still hurt a little bit, especially when she says mean things to me. it's like, a month ago you were promising me forever. a month ago you loved me. i don't think she ever did though. i don't think she really knows what love is yet. she's too selfish for that. i've learned that as well. she cares more for herself than anyone else in her life and that's fine. but that's not how i am and that's not the type of the person i want to be with. she wasn't the one for me and everybody else saw that ages ago. it took me a little longer, but i figured it out.

i've been trying hard not to jump back in to anything with anyone. i've really been enjoying being single and finding myself again. z has come back in to my life (more like she was there all along and i just stopped ignoring her). i've been resisting her with everything in me just like last time. it's not even really about her, it's about me being afraid to be in a relationship or just not really wanting one in general. she's so great, though. and after the "freeing myself of jax" thing, i realized one more thing: you can't force things. chelsey told me to "let go and let god". so i am.

i'm letting myself have these feelings for z, letting myself get to know her all over again (which is crazy because i've known her for almost six years). letting her treat me right. i don't want to push either way. i'm not expecting anything but things are just falling in to place. she makes me really happy but who knows. i don't want to move too fast. things will happen the way they are meant to.

i really and truly do love life even though it's completely insane sometimes. but i guess the unexpected is a gift in a way. everything happens for a reason and i need to just keep reminding myself of that. i'll be okay. in fact, i already am.

(no subject)

i don't even know what to think. i was warned against getting back together with jax but i really thought that things would be okay this time. it's gone from "i love you and want to build a life with you" to "i never want to be with you again, don't get your hopes up" in the matter of two weeks. she's been so cruel and i am just letting her walk all over me. she knows i'm still wrapped around her finger. and i will be until i let her go but that seems so impossible at this point. before we got back together, i had made so much progress in the "living without her" category, but now i am right back where i started, if not even farther behind. she's so cold, so cold. i thought she was someone else. apparently, i am gullible. so easily fooled.

i don't even want to be touched anymore. everybody just back off.

(no subject)

today i am sad. i have a nervous stomach and a fluttery heart. i don't know why. it's just that way.

i have nothing to say. this entry is so pointless.

(no subject)

okay, so what do you do when somebody likes your significant other? i don't even know how to react when it happens. i mean, i'm not one of those girls who is so confident in herself that she can just be like "oh, it doesn't bother me." you know? i get scared shitless. ): help!

(no subject)

balancing my first job, school and studying to take the CHSPE to graduate early is killing me. not to mention all the regular chores i have to do around my house, taking care of my dog, and having time for my friends.

i've never been good at time management and this is killing me!

how do you guys do it all?

(no subject)

The first Seven (7) people to respond to this post will get something made by me especially for you.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

- I will make no guarantees that you will like what I make.
- What I do create will be made just for you and no one else.
- It'll be done by the end of 2009.
- You have no clue what it's going to be as it could be something kitchy, a mix CD of my favorite music, something that I might sketch or even a song sung for you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!
- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

The catch? Oh, the catch is that you have to pay it forward in your livejournal as well, if you expect me to do something for you! I will be checking...

(no subject)

everyone can just ignore this, it's for me (:

work schedule:
saturday 4-8
tuesday 4-8
wednesday 11-4

history essays (DUE TOMORROW)
1) a renaissance man or woman were those that excelled in many different fields. if we were to apply the idea of a renaissance man or woman to today's society, which famous person do you think would be a good example?
2) thomas more's book, utopia, describes what an ideal society should be like. some of his ideas include a society with no war, no greed, and no corruption. imagine that you were writing part 2 of utopia, what three new ideas would you include in your utopian society?


english cahsee prep class - saturday morning 8-1:30

-WASH work shirt, apron, leggings