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ive been realizing a lot lately. i was miserable for a few weeks. that's expected, right? but slowly the pain, the "i miss her" screaming in my head over and over, day after day, became a dull roar. more of a, "hey, we've dated for over a year and i am so used to spending every second of my life talking to you or being with you or talking ABOUT you or thinking of you or something." i realized how much of my life i put on hold for her. i realized how much of myself i sacrificed for her. i also realized (or more, was forced to realize) that she and amber are practically one in the same. realizing that has left me questioning myself practically every second, wondering how i could have been so stupid. i swore that amber was different every time she left and came back. when i met jax i swore she was different, just what i needed. she was neither. i made the same excuses for her that i made for amber. i sacrificed the same things. i became the same pathetic person. they are the same and i obviously have a thing for assholes.

i'm not saying jax was a waste of time. i mean, i have said it. i've said plenty of stupid and immature and petty things over the past month or so. i don't mean the majority of these things but i can't help the fact that it feels good to say them. she hurt me so much but once again, i LET her. i dismissed the advice of the people who care for me because i was so set on being in love with her. and i WAS in love with her. i'm not going to deny it like i did with amber; i can't pretend that it wasn't real for me. it was. it was so incredibly real for me and i meant everything i said to her, planned to carry out every promise i made. but here's the thing: i don't love her anymore. not only am i not in love with her, i simply don't LOVE her. at all. i have no respect for her and i've also come to realize that she is a very miserable person.

i am pretty happy.

i mean, this whole not loving her/being over it thing is recent. as in, the past threeish days recent. before that it was tough. i couldn't decide how i felt. some days i thought i was so in love with her and surely i would wait forever. other days i swore i hated her and never wanted to see her again. the majority of the time it was the former. eventually it became more of the latter.

then i made the mistake of seeing her. confiding in her (long story short: amber had been hardcore flirting with me for a few weeks. i didn't know how to react or what to do. i told jax. jax told amber. amber made it seem like i lied, like i had been throwing myself at her, etc. made me seem like the bad guy. manipulated her way out of that situation the way she always does). so yeah, now she thinks i'm a two faced bitch. in fact she left me a voicemail about how much she is ashamed to even know me.

and as much as that hurt, and as much as i wanted to die right then and there when i heard it, it did something else too. it freed me of her. totally and completely. after hearing it, i didn't love her. i didn't miss her. i didn't want her. i didn't hate her, either. she was just there. there and cruel, but just there for the most part.

i guess i'm kind of upset at myself for letting myself fall for the same kind of person amber was, especially after i swore up and down that i was stronger and would never let anyone put me through that again. i think jax was better at hiding it. at least for a while. and when i met her i was already so broken and vulnerable, i would have done anything to keep her around. i let it go on for too long. i wish i hadn't gotten back together with her in february but everything happens for a reason. i've learned a lot from this. i have respect for myself that i never had before. it's almost like all of the respect i lost for her, i gained for me.

it does still hurt a little bit, especially when she says mean things to me. it's like, a month ago you were promising me forever. a month ago you loved me. i don't think she ever did though. i don't think she really knows what love is yet. she's too selfish for that. i've learned that as well. she cares more for herself than anyone else in her life and that's fine. but that's not how i am and that's not the type of the person i want to be with. she wasn't the one for me and everybody else saw that ages ago. it took me a little longer, but i figured it out.

i've been trying hard not to jump back in to anything with anyone. i've really been enjoying being single and finding myself again. z has come back in to my life (more like she was there all along and i just stopped ignoring her). i've been resisting her with everything in me just like last time. it's not even really about her, it's about me being afraid to be in a relationship or just not really wanting one in general. she's so great, though. and after the "freeing myself of jax" thing, i realized one more thing: you can't force things. chelsey told me to "let go and let god". so i am.

i'm letting myself have these feelings for z, letting myself get to know her all over again (which is crazy because i've known her for almost six years). letting her treat me right. i don't want to push either way. i'm not expecting anything but things are just falling in to place. she makes me really happy but who knows. i don't want to move too fast. things will happen the way they are meant to.

i really and truly do love life even though it's completely insane sometimes. but i guess the unexpected is a gift in a way. everything happens for a reason and i need to just keep reminding myself of that. i'll be okay. in fact, i already am.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
thespian15
Apr. 29th, 2009 05:52 am (UTC)
I am so glad to hear that you "found" what it took to move on. :)
It might be good just to take things slowly and "stay single" for awhile. :p Just enjoy yourself. :)
HUGS, Jon
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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